Leaving the Sea for the last time.

There comes a time in a Seaman’s life when it is time to hang up those sea boots, put away the foul weather gear & contemplate a life away from the seas & Oceans which we all love.

There are a hundred & one things that need to be done to ensure that this transition is as smooth as possible.  Some people have been at sea since leaving school & the Ocean has been their office ever since.

This transition can be a very stressful time for the entire family, if not handled correctly.

The main areas of stress in any relationship seem to be communication, money and children, when families are separated for lengthy periods of time, the stress of the situation continues to build, and sometimes, there isn’t a resolution until after the family is reunited.  This is what you could be returning to.  Don't expect a "Change of Command" at the door. Transitions take time and patience.

There is also the strange situation of getting to know your loved ones again.  Remember, they will have been used to running the household without you.  Now you will want to take control of the house finances & making this transition into partnership of responsibility is a tricky one & fraught with danger.  You cannot just return home say you are here for good & just take over, it doesn’t work like that.  Your partner has been running your home perfectly without you (if this had not been the case, you would not have been at sea for so long).  So why should he or she give up that responsibility just because you are back.   There has to be a lot of communication at this stage.

Below are the “Ten Commandments Written for U.S. Sailors return home from a deployment but I feel the same issue stand for the time you return home for good.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HOMECOMING FOR SAILORS  

This is an adaptation of material written by CDR Bryan J. Weaver, CHC, USN, Chaplain 24th MEU (sac) and LCDR Richard Saul, Command Chaplain, USS KEARSARGE (LHD 3).

I. Thou shalt expect your homecoming to be stressful. Stress is any reaction to change. Even positive changes can produce stress in personal relationships. Spouses are already preparing for our return. Aside from official homecoming activities, your spouse is probably trying quickly to look her /his best, find an arrival outfit, experiment with new hairstyles, plan special menus, and prepare the children for Dad/Mum's return to the home. On board, our excitement level goes up as our homecoming date draws closer and with each passing day, we have to fight the "laissez faire" attitude that creeps into our lives. Both of us are idealizing our return and reunion. Out of our hardships and separation come our dreams. On one hand, we dream about our houses, home-cooked meals, hobbies, driving our cars or trucks, spending time with our children, and intimacy. On the other hand, our spouses may be dreaming of help around the house, time away from the kids, support, encouragement and spending quality time together. Even though we both have experienced separation, the nature of our hardships may be different. Recognize that either marriage partner may not immediately meet expectations.

II. Thou shalt enjoy being an invited guest in your own home. As difficult as it may be sound, our spouses and children have managed without their Sailor. Our spouses may have become more independent running the household as a single parent. In some cases, Sailors feel threatened by their spouse's newfound autonomy and they feel unwanted in their own home upon their return from sea duty. Please try to remember that personal growth has probably taken place and things are not the same. When you first return, allow the family to continue functioning as they have for the last 6 months. Experience their agenda for your reunion. Remember, they have been planning for your homecoming for a long time.

III. Thou shalt not criticize your spouse upon your return. Chances are that your spouse has done the very best job possible given the circumstances. Considering the fast-paced schedule of a deployed squadron, she/he's going to have to continue using those coping skills. Provide encouragement, praise, and thanks. Don't be a Scrooge in showing your appreciation for what your spouse has done in your   absence. A judgmental, critical, "know it all" attitude will come across as though you do not appreciate what has been accomplished during your absence. Your spouse is the glue that has held the family together .

IV. Thou shalt change. Change in life is inevitable. It is a fact of life; deployments force us out of our "comfort zones". The way things used to be often makes us comfortable because we always knew what to expect. Although it takes energy to adjust to change, the result can be positive. Where a marriage has little personal and mutual growth, it has a tendency to wither on the vine. When you see changes, remember Commandments I through III.

V. Thou shalt spend quality time with your children. Children equate love with time spent with them. Period. Arguments about meeting your own needs and wanting to see your old friends do not carry weight with your children who have not seen you for six months. Spend time with your children as a group and with each one on an individual basis. Each child has a need to be loved and feel special. Children have a tendency to idolize their parents. You are a hero at home. During times of change, children's behavior may become unruly. Allow your spouse to continue to be the primary disciplinarian in the home. Support your spouse's efforts and gradually take over this important role as a parent. Tell your children that you love them and back it up with your affection and time.

VI. Thou shalt not treat your spouse like a one-night stand. Both you and your spouse have been looking forward to your reunion for a long time. Treat your spouse with honest, care, and respect. Sexual intimacy is a wonderful blessing in a marriage; treat your spouse with lots of tenderness, compassion, and helpfulness. Kindness and respect go a long way toward kindling the spark of romance.

VII. Thou shalt compromise your social activities for the first few weeks. Your spouse may have met new friends who provided support during the deployment and naturally wants you to meet them. You may want to do the same. Resist the urge to pack the first couple of weeks after a reunion with a full social calendar that leaves both of you exhausted. Spend time with each other and your children.

VIII. Thou shalt watch your finances. The best liberty port is where your family resides, making it tempting to go out and celebrate with spending sprees. Expensive restaurants, a new wardrobe, and new toys for the children subtract quickly from available funds. Plan ahead how much you can afford to spend. Avoid overspending. Watch your credit limits closely. Remember, "today's buying is tomorrow's crying."

IX. Thou shalt confess to a chaplain and not to a spouse. While honesty is always the best policy, timing and discretion are essential. While you may feel the urge to dump on your spouse all that happened during the deployment, it rarely helps a marriage. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If something is weighing heavy on your heart or mind, see a chaplain, civilian clergy, or a counselor .  

X. Thou shalt give your time, talents, and treasures to your family. Often during deployments, many households have separate accounts to manage the finances during the long months of separation. You may have become accustomed to separate accounts and budgets and it may take some time for family finances to flow smoothly. Accordingly, make a conscientious effort to integrate available funds toward the needs of the household. Your greatest asset is yourself; so don't forget to share your time with your loved ones. It will pay huge dividends for a long time.

coming ashore may be easy but nailing that perfect job is tough.  Here are ten things you should shy away from when interviewing for that new position.

1. Don’t be negative about a previous employer: If you go into a company and trash a previous employer for any reason the first thought through the hiring manager’s mind is ‘how long it will take for this person to start bad mouthing our company’.  Secondly if you trash someone specific, there is a chance the hiring manager knows that person or knows someone who knows that person, and you don’t want to burn any bridges… Bottom line; don’t do it.
2. Don’t bring money up as a candidate: Ok, money is definitely a motivator, but if it is the key motivator, no one will want to work with you.  It is all about perception; if your greed is perceived in an interview your stock will drop dramatically.
3. Don’t fail the drug test: Don’t do drugs.
4. Don’t tell the interviewer you are smarter than they are: You are at an interview to sell how you will add value to the company, not how you will take the hiring managers job.